Shag A Stag
by Lady Sarai Black
Summary: Sirius and Remus play a game. The rules are simple: whoever shags James first wins. Marauder Era. Stupidity and madness reign. Pretty much crack, no real pairings.
1. I Have A Masterful Idea

**Shag A Stag**

Sirius and Remus play a game. The rules are simple: whoever shags James first wins. Marauder era. Stupidity and madness reign. Pretty much crack, no real pairings.

-

"I have a Masterful Idea," Sirius announced. His black hair was done up in a tiny pony tail, with the majority of it falling around his face.

Remus didn't look up from his position on the couch, his nose buried in a thick book. Sirius paused for a moment, waiting for a reaction before continuing. "A Masterful Idea for the most wonderful bet ever." Pause. "Don't you want to know what it is?" he asked in exasperation, hands on hips as he stood in front of his friend.

"Not really," Remus replied, turning a page in his book and pointedly ignoring the other boy.

Sirius huffed and flumped down next to the werewolf, plucking the book from his hands and throwing it across the room at a group of startled second-years.

"Hey!" he said indignantly, glaring at the Animagus. "I was reading that!"

"You read too much, Moony. Besides, you have to hear about my wonderful, fantastic, and extremely superior to anything anyone else can come up with idea for a bet! You'll love it, I promise!"

Remus glared, crossing his arms and tapping his fingers impatiently. "Well?" he snapped.

Sirius pouted. "It won't be wonderful or fantastic if you're not going to play properly Remmy! Indulge me."

The other boy snorted. "Isn't that all I do? Indulge you? We aren't five; I don't have to 'play' at all."

"Trust me, you'll want to. The game is called Shag-A-Stag. Whoever can do James first wins... something. I haven't figured that bit out yet." He was bouncing hyperactively in his seat.

Remus stared. "You mean we should play a game where we manipulate our best friend, scheme a way to make him sleep with us and take his homosexual virginity, then tell him it was all a bet?"

"Ummm... yes."

"I'm the sensible one; I protest at being asked to do this kind of thing. You're on. Loser streaks through the Great Hall at breakfast. No! Dinner. There are more people at dinner."

Sirius smirked. "I knew you'd be interested. I've seen you eyeing him off in the Quidditch change rooms. Streaking at dinner? You're pretty confident you're going to win, aren't you?"

Remus snorted. "I'm quite sure he has masochistic tendencies. Why would he chase Lily otherwise? He'll be so turned on by my inner, dominant wolf that he won't be able to resist."

-

Sirius peered around the corner, eyes darting into the dark corners of the hallway suspiciously. He knew that the ghastly werewolf was lurking somewhere, waiting to pounce on poor, unsuspecting James. This, coincidentally, was what he was planning on doing too. How strange.

"Aha! James old boy, I'm glad I ran into you," he exclaimed as he leapt out from behind the corner, making his friend yell.

"What the hell are you doing, Padfoot? Jumping out at people like that!" James clutched his chest, feigning heart attack.

Sirius smirked and wrapped an arm around his friend, steering him down the hall in the vague direction of the statue of the one eyed witch.

"Well mate, I came to find you. I was thinking we could pop down to the Hog's Head. You know, spends some quality time together."

James raised his eyebrow sceptically. "You were looking for me out here? This hallway is a little far removed from my usual haunts. Is Remus coming?"

Sirius winced and wrinkled his nose. "You don't have a haunt. Stalking Lily around the castle means you can be found anywhere. And Remus-"

"Is right here. You took your time Sirius." The werewolf gave the Animagus a deadly smile, telling him through eye communication that he knew his plans exactly. "Dissendium."

The one eyed witch sprang aside, revealing a passage leading into darkness. James grinned. "Fair enough then. Shall we?"

-

Remus grinned evilly as he sauntered back to his friends, three drinks in hand: two firewhiskeys and one carefully altered glass of water. And people wondered why he was a Marauder.

He placed the drinks on the table, quickly grabbing his before James, or worse, Sirius, could accidentally take it.

"What shall we drink to?" asked James, his hazel eyes alight with mischief. The Hog's Head was grungy and dimly lit, their corner table in shadow – perfect for underage drinkers.

"Friendship," offered Remus, raising his glass in a toast.

"Friendship," they mimicked, and the three glasses chinked merrily.

"Next round is on me," Sirius said with a grin, his eyes on the werewolf. Remus cursed inwardly.

-

All three Marauders swayed slightly as they stumbled out the door to the Hog's Head, two slightly more sober than the one in the middle. Though inebriated, Sirius and Remus still had the presence of mind to glare at each other as they wrapped arms around James' waist.

"I love you guys," James slurred, a soppy smile on his face as they began to walk down the snow covered street. "I really love you. Like, really. More than even my Lily-flower."

Sirius smirked at Remus, his facial expression just visible in the soft light cast by house windows and leaned in closer to James, whispering in his ear something probably unfit to be heard by innocent ears.

"Really?" James seemed to sober slightly. "You- You really want to... to...?" he trailed off. Remus reached around his friend and gave the dog Animagus a shove, making him stumble away from James and pulling the attention onto himself.

"You know what Prongs?" he asked seductively, mimicking Sirius' actions before and leaning close as James' head turned. His hazel eyes were huge, staring at his friend in wonder.

"What?" he whispered.

Remus went flying as Sirius regained his balance, a homicidal expression on his face as he wrapped his arm around James again and steered him away from the unsteady werewolf, whispering hurriedly.

Remus staggered after the pair, plotting bloody murder. "Wait up boys!"

-

James' eyes fluttered open, squinting at the harsh sunlight pouring in the open window.

"Nguh..." he groaned, dragging the blankets over his head, trying to escape the pounding in his head. What the hell had happened last night?

Somebody behind him sighed, and the bed jiggled as someone moved. James paused, and noticed for the first time that there was an arm wrapped around his waist. Odd. And this bed didn't feel like his bed... Hmm. A bed that wasn't his, an arm around his waist and no memory of the night before. James' jaw dropped as a horrible possibility appeared in his head, and he spun around frantically.

"Oh fuck!"

-

**Oooh... who was it? Who won? This was meant to be a oneshot, but if requested it could be made into a twoshot (if you want to find out who it is). What do you think? It is just a bit of fun, nothing serious. Poor James, being manipulated and used by his friends. La, I love it. Reviews?**

**Lady Sarai Black**


	2. That Went Horribly Wrong

**Shag A Stag**

Sirius and Remus play a game. The rules are simple. Whoever shags James first wins. Marauder Era. Stupidity and madness reign. Pretty much crack, no real pairings.

-

James stared in horror at the person whose bed (he assumed) he was in. He was in so, so much trouble. If he snuck out now, maybe he'd escape with his life... or more importantly, his balls.

A pair of emerald green eyes opened sleepily, and Lily smiled tiredly as she propped herself up on her elbow. Her red locks were messy, spiralling out of control around her face and making her look even more adorable. He was so dead.

"Morning," she whispered, smiling.

"I'm so sorry!" James blurted automatically, unconsciously trying to shield his balls from the fury that would be Lily-Trying-To-Kill-Him-For-Sleeping-With-Her. And he was drunk at the time! Lily finally agreed to sleep with him and he couldn't fucking remember it! Damn the world. He wanted out.

Lily looked at him curiously, her head cocked to the side as she regarded her former arch-enemy. James hair was more uncontrollable than usual, sticking up all over the place and making her want to run her fingers through it – no! Bad Lily. His hair was sticking up all over the place, looking terrible and... And was so unsexy! And that cute, innocent, frightened, apologetic _thing_ that he was doing... well that was unsexy too!

"What do you have to be sorry for?" she asked after a moment recollecting herself, genuinely curious.

James sat up carefully, hazel eyes watching her warily. He ran his hands through his untameable locks, wondering how to word it.

"I'm sorry I slept with you?" It was half a statement, half a question. Lily couldn't help herself. She started to laugh.

James frowned at the girl in front of him. While he had experienced _quite_ a few mornings after, he'd never had one quite like this. She should have been throwing something at him, or trying to cut off his balls to use as a wind chime. Not be laughing at him!

"Oh James," she began, not noticing that she called him by his first name. "James we didn't sleep together!" She broke off into peals of laughter.

He was a bit miffed, really. Was sleeping with him such a laughable idea? They hadn't ever exactly got along too well, but lately they'd been treating each other as something close to friends! And anyway, he was sexy. Who wouldn't want to sleep with him?

"We didn't?" he asked, and paused, eyes narrowing suspiciously. "This isn't a ploy to put me off guard?"

Lily laughed again. "James, I'm wearing pyjamas and you are still almost fully clothed. We didn't sleep together."

He looked down, and realised that he was still wearing his jeans and t-shirt. If they hadn't slept together, what the hell had happened last night?

-

Sirius groaned, squeezing his eyes shut tightly and rolling over, burying his face into his pillow. His very hard pillow. What?

"God," someone groaned from underneath him, and Sirius' head snapped up, looking in horror at Remus, who still had his eyes closed. What the bloody hell was he doing in bed with the werewolf? Where was James?

"Remus," he began shakily. "Wake up."

The werewolf grumbled something under his breath and rolled over, burying himself under the pillow. The blankets were tangled around the pair's waist, their naked torsos bathed in sunlight from the open window.

"Moony, seriously, wake up!" Sirius was starting to panic. His head was aching, his stomach churning and he really did not want to have to deal with this now!

Remus groaned and sat up quickly. "What the hell do you want Sirius?" he asked, his head pounding horribly as he rubbed his face. He was tired, cold, hung over and really, really grumpy! "And why are you hogging the blankets?" Remus wrenched the blankets up to his chest and turned over again, snuggling into them before freezing still. Oh fuck.

"Oh fuck!" he exclaimed and turned to face his friend, amber eyes wide with shock.

"Yes, fuck!" Sirius snapped in reply, angry the werewolf had taken so long to understand. "I was meant to wake up with James, not you!"

Remus snorted. "_You_ were meant to wake up alone, _I_ was meant to wake up with James you prat!" he replied waspishly.

"I'm not the prat, you are you great big pouf!" Sirius growled. His head hurt, he needed to sleep and the bloody werewolf was not helping!

"Pouf? You slept with me! And you made up a stupid bet so that you could sleep with James! If anyone is the pouf here, it is you, Sirius Black!" Remus clenched his fists, his initial annoyance with his friend escalating in to full on blind fury.

"Oh, using full names now are we? You didn't mind agreeing to the bet when I proposed it! I bet you've been after James for a while now!" Sirius narrowed his eyes, immediately certain that Moony had been trying to get his dirty paws on Prongs for years, just biding his time.

Remus' jaw dropped, a feral growl escaping his mouth. "You, Sirius fucking Black, are the biggest tosspot I have ever met! I have never, ever thought of James in that way before you mentioned it with that bloody stupid bet! If anyone was after James, it would be you Mr Touchy-Feely with everyone! You chase anything with a skirt, why not anything in trousers too?" He smirked maliciously as Sirius turned red, steam almost visible coming out of his ears.

"You... You... Argh!" Sirius leapt at the werewolf, forgetting that they were both naked and tackling him off the bed. The bastard was going to pay!

A cough from the doorway went unnoticed by the pair as they rolled around on the floor, grunting and growling as they fought to pin the other one down. Peter Pettigrew, the other seventh year Gryffindor that shared their dorm, shuffled his feet nervously and averted his eyes from the spectacle.

"Excuse me," he said, eyes firmly trained on the floor. "Excuse me!"

Sirius paused and glanced up at the doorway, staring at the beet red Peter as he straddled Remus. "Yes?" he snapped, glaring at him.

"I-I-I was just wondering, if, perhaps, you'd seen James anywhere? I'm really sorry to interrupt but it's really important."

The pair on the floor stared at him in confusion. "What the bloody hell are you on about, Pettigrew? James will be around here somewhere." When Peter didn't move, Remus sighed in annoyance. "Look, can't you see we're rather busy here?"

If possible, Peter blushed even more. "No, no I can see that. But James didn't come in last night and Professor McGonagall wants to talk to him about the Quidditch team."

Sirius glanced down at Remus, silently asking him via eye communication if he remembered what happened to James. The werewolf shook his head slightly, and Sirius cursed.

"Fuck. We'll continue this later," he told his friend and Remus nodded in reply. Peter silently promised to himself that he would not be anywhere near their dorm room tonight.

The Animagus got up and stretched, back muscles cracking as he flexed. Peter averted his eyes again, mumbling something unintelligible before bolting out the door.

"What do you think was up with him?" asked Remus

"It doesn't matter. We need to find out what we've done with Prongs."

-

James fiddled with the blanket on Lily's bed, waiting nervously for her to exit the shower. He'd never been more thankful that Lily had taken the private room offered when awarded the Head Girl position. This morning was not one he would like broadcasted to the entire school.

The shower turned off in the other room, and James ran over for the third time what he was going to say. He would be polite, tactful and he would not insult her, the school, her friends, her enemies, classes, the other houses or books.

The door to the bathroom opened and Lily stepped out, steam pouring from the door behind her as she gave a tentative smile to the boy sitting on her bed.

"Hey."

James smiled back, awed by her beauty once again. She looked like a fallen angel.

"Hey."

She walked over to the bed, her short, comfortable green dress emphasising her stunning green eyes. James drew in a sharp breath as she sat down next to him, sitting cross legged on the bed and turning to face him.

"Do you remember what happened last night?" she asked with a grin.

James gave a sheepish smile and ran his hands through his hair, glad that he would finally know what had been bothering him all morning. "Ummm, not really, no."

"Well," she began, "I don't know what you did before you found me, but I ran into you and Remus and Sirius outside the kitchens, about three o'clock this morning. Ring any bells?"

James grimaced. "Unfortunately yes. The guys were arguing about something?" he asked in confusion. In his mind's eye he could see Remus and Sirius arguing about something, and him telling them... he couldn't quite remember what they were all talking about.

Lily nodded, biting her lip as if she was struggling to conceal a smile. "I had just come out of the kitchens and I could hear people whispering. I came around the corner and found Remus and Sirius arguing about... are you sure you want to hear this?" Despite her question, she was desperate to tell him exactly what she had saved him from.

James pulled a face. "Probably not, but tell me anyway."

She let out a small giggle. "Don't say I didn't warn you. Remus and Sirius were arguing about who was going to sleep with you... something about who you liked more. You were telling them that they could both sleep with you, but they said that that wouldn't work because then they wouldn't know who won. I think it was a bet." Lily paused, waiting for his reaction. She wasn't disappointed.

"What?" he choked out. "They had a bet? Who could... sleep with me? As in sex, right? Mother fuckers!" He growled, staring blankly at the wall as he plotted their murder. "Oops! Sorry Lily," he added once he remembered who he was with.

Lily laughed, noting silently that he didn't mention that it was his male best friends that wanted to sleep with him.

"The bastards. The mother fucking wankers. I'm going to kill them!" He was fuming. They made a fucking bet to sleep with him! Stealing his homosexual virginity. Getting him drunk to sleep with them! He wasn't some random chick, he was their friend! He deserved more respect than that!

Lily coughed lightly, dragging James to the present. "Do you want to hear what happened after that, or continue plotting in silence? It gets more interesting, I promise."

He nodded, making a mental note to plot their demise later, when he wasn't wasting Lily-Time.

Lily bounced lightly, not bothering to hide her grin as she reached the best bit of her story. "Well, they didn't realise that I was standing there listening to them argue. I... look, don't read too much into it but I felt bad for what they were going to do to you. You weren't in any state to look after yourself so I pulled you away while they were otherwise engaged."

James raised his eyebrows. "You mean otherwise engaged arguing?" He was secretly very pleased that she bothered to save him.

"Nope!" Lily leaned over and opened the top draw of her bedside table, pulling out a photograph. "Their arguing got very intense and passionate... They say that anger looks a lot like sex. They started making out." She handed the photograph to him, smirking as the couple in the picture began taking each other's clothes off. "It's actually kind of hot."

James stared at the photograph of his best friends kissing, realising that without Lily helping him out, he could have been doing this exact thing.

"Thank you," he said after a moment. His hazel eyes shone with gratitude, his anger evaporated in the light of her kindness to someone who, he had to admit, had never been very kind or respectful to her in the past. "I can't thank you enough. They probably thought that it would have been a bit of a joke... they... just... thankyou."

Lily smiled. "You're welcome," she said, and, uncomfortable with the tender moment, changed the subject. "So. What are you going to do for revenge?"

James smiled evilly. "I have a plan. Care to visit our dorm room?"

-

"Mother fuckers," James growled as he stalked into the dorm room, Lily behind him as she fought the giggles. Sirius paused, his hair half brushed, and Remus stared wide eyed as he pulled his shirt over his head. They were showered and dressed, ready to skip breakfast and locate their missing friend.

"Prongs old boy," Sirius said in mock cheerfulness. "We were just about to go looking for you."

"I'm sure," he drawled in reply, watching them pair wince. It really was hard to be angry when you'd spent the whole morning with the love of your life. "Ready to get me drunk again so you can have your wicked way with me?"

Lily stuffed her fist into her mouth, fighting peals of laughter that threatened to escape her. She couldn't ruin this for James.

"Ha... good one mate..." Sirius trailed off weakly. "How much do you remember about last night?" he asked with a resigned sigh.

Honestly? "Not a damn thing, except you two arguing. But don't worry, Lily filled me in on all the important bits."

The Animagus and the werewolf shared a confused look. Where the hell did the famous Lily-flower fit in to all of this?

"I saw you three outside the kitchens last night," she said, answering their silent question.

"Outside the... Oh!" Sirius had the decency to blush as he recalled exactly what had happened outside the kitchens. "How... how much did you see?" Remus still looked confusing, not remembering anything but sitting the Hog's Head.

James held up the photograph, a triumphant smirk on his face. The pair in the picture had managed to get their shirts off, and Remus' hand was slowly making its way into Sirius' pants.

They gasped simultaneously and lunged towards their friend, desperate to destroy incriminating evidence of their night out.

"Tut tut tut," James said, stepping away from them neatly and drawing his wand. "One spell and this gets sent to every girl in the castle." They froze. "Good puppies. Now, what were the conditions of the bet?" God he loved being evil. Behind him, Lily had given up trying to stifle her laughter and was in fits of laughter on the floor.

Remus exchanged a look with his disgraced counterpart. "We... the loser had to streak through the Great Hall at tea time."

The other boy smirked triumphantly. "Looks like you two just volunteered yourselves for a nudie run."

-

"I hate you."

"I hate you too," Sirius hissed back at Remus. They stood by the closed door to the Great Hall, cloaks wrapped around them as they waited for everyone to sit down and begin their meal. They were so dead. McGonagall was going to kill them.

Taking a deep breath, Remus dropped his cloak. "Ready?"

Sirius dropped his cloak. "No." They pushed the doors open, and ran.

-

Lily and James sat side by side at the Gryffindor table, basking in the glow of their revenge. They had sat, unable to speak for laughter as Sirius and Remus had sprinted the length of the Great Hall, listening to the screams of shock with delight. James had decided that he never wanted to see McGonagall that particular colour of purple ever again.

He sat with a small smile as he contemplated his perfect revenge, satisfied that his best friends would never make a bet of that sort about him again. He jumped as a small hand touched his shoulder, his smile growing into a full blown grin as he faced Lily.

"I had fun today, James. We should hang out more often," she said with a smile, green eyes regarding him shyly.

His mouth dropped open, staring at the perfect girl in front of him. "WowofcourseI'dlovetoLily!" he said in a rush to get his words out. She raised one perfect eyebrow, and he blushed. "I mean, I'd love to. Maybe- Maybe we could go out sometime? Grab a Butterbeer or something?"

Lily bit her lip, looking up at him with a smile. "I'd like that."

-

"Bloody wanker," Sirius muttered under his breath as he sat in Professor McGonagall's office, his cloak wrapped around him. "That pouf gets the girl of his dreams, and we get detention for exposing ourselves! Bloody wanker."

-

**Voila. Like? Love? Let me know and review! So, I figured I should explain a few things. How did Lily get the photograph and get it developed so quickly? I just invented a spell. Peter is not friends with the Marauders... traitorous bastard. And Lily and James were on speaking terms, (slightly friends) before the incident, therefore they managed to be civil and look out for each other. What do you guys think? Please review!**

**PS: Congrats the reviewers who guessed who James woke up with.**

**_Lady Sarai Black_**


End file.
